Bullying… My Story
There’s so much about this subject in the news lately, and it’s so utterly tragic when kids feel like they have no choice but to kill themselves over what a stupid bully says or does to them, I thought I’d tell my story of being bullied. It took me a while to realize that’s what happened to me back in elementary school. I wasn’t physically assaulted. It was a slow emotional and mental assault.
It’s not always true what they say – “sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never hurt you.” Names do hurt. Deeply. Wounds from sticks and stones will heal up and might leave a scar. The scars from being emotionally abused by peers can last a lifetime, but nobody else can see or feel them but you.
I actually don’t remember too much about elementary school from grades 4 – 6, which is when the bullying mostly took place. I haven’t blanked it out, I simply haven’t thought about it much.
What I do remember is that due to, I believe, some emotional turmoil in my life in grade three when a relative passed away, I gained some weight. There was already a “fat girl” in my class. She was the one picked on and I was mostly ignored. But then she moved away and I was the girl with a few extra pounds. The newly designated fat girl. Thinking back, and looking at photos, I wasn’t that big. I was, literally, maybe fifteen pounds heavier than the skinniest girl in class. But it was enough to notice. This is the same group of kids that called another girl “retard.” I didn’t realize until years later that she wasn’t mentally challenged. She had an English accent.
Nice kids, right?
My best friend at the time was the teacher’s favorite, so she got tagged with the nickname “goody goody.” Cute names can sound cute, but when delivered in a cruel way they’re just as mean as curse words.
I had a variety of names given to me by bullies. Cute names, if looked at out of context. I vividly remember two of them: Bubba and Buffalo Butt.
Being called these names for three years by the “cool kids” in class led to a couple of results:
1) I got funny. They say that most people with a keen sense of humor forged that sense of humor out of an unhappy childhood. You’re looking at the proof of that. My home life was great, I have no complaints about my wonderful parents, but school was hell. To combat these cruel words, I’d turn it into a joke, or I’d laugh, even when I was dying inside. One boy drew a picture for me, which I thought was really sweet until I realized it was a picture of me as a pig-creature. He was a good artist, actually. I told him so as I laughed it off and felt a piece of my soul wither away.
2) My self-confidence took a nose dive and, sadly, has yet to fully recover. For three years I felt ugly and fat and totally unworthy, even though when I look back at those pictures all I see is a cute blond kid.
The bullying stopped in grade seven when I moved on to middle school and left behind this group of kids. My weight fluctuated all through school and beyond and I’ve never gotten a handle on it or reached my goal weight no matter how many diets I try. I’ve recently realized that my weight problems have nothing whatsoever to do with food. I’m finally dealing with this and trying to find a solution for myself to lead to a healthy diet and lifestyle for the rest of my life. But until I get my head straight, it doesn’t matter what I look like on the outside, I will still hate what I see in the mirror as the ghosts of those kids continue to call out names at me and make me feel ugly.
As a “joke,” sometimes I’d bring up the subject years later and I’d be met with eye rolls as if dwelling and whining about something that happened so long ago shouldn’t have an impact on today.
Well, here’s a newsflash: IT DOES.
I think how I felt when I was 9-12 years old has affected everything in my life. So while I think that the recent bullying is a terrible thing, the fact that it’s so out in the open and covered by news and talk shows is a GOOD thing. Information is power and it can help others.
Bottom line, whether you’re bullied as a kid or an adult, you are soooo not alone. The bully who is saying cruel things to you is a sad and pathetic individual who very likely hates him or herself. Putting someone else down is a clear sign of jealousy and/or their own lacking self-confidence—whether or not they realize this.
Kindness is an asset and a gift. If you want to be beautiful, ACT beautiful from the inside out. Life is short and there is not enough time for us to feel bad about ourselves due to someone else’s dumbass opinion. Do not waste your life wading through the muck idiots leave behind. Rise above it and fly.
You are beautiful and amazing—every single damn one of you. EVEN ME. And don’t let anyone EVER EVER EVER let you believe otherwise.
What I can say for sure… nobody bullies me anymore. NOBODY. While I’m still healing the scars I have from being bullied in the past, IT IS NEVER going to happen again.
Be strong. And I promise to be strong, too.
Here are some links that might help you….
http://www.pacerkidsagainstbullying.org/
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Awesome, Michelle. You rock on, beautiful woman!
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Loads of hugs to you.
I was both a bully and the bullied. I think one could not have come without the other. Bully because I was. A vicous circle.
I realize that it is still a sort of protective thing for me, to attack when I feel attacked. Something forged from childhood.
What happens to you when you are young, when you are creating the base of yourself… it sticks with you. Those scars aren’t skin deep, they go down to the base of you. A wound that big does not heal quickly, easily – and in many cases, is a mortal wound.
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I know from personal experience how hard it is to write about being bullied. I’m glad you found the courage to do it. I think the more people who share their stories, the more others will be aware of what a terrible toll bullies take. Like you, I have never recovered the self-confidence the bullies stole from me. You are SO not alone. (My post about my own experiences with bullying is here: http://www.deadlinedames.com/?p=5192)
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Thank you for sharing your story. You’re such a lovely person and I hate that bullies and abusers ever made you think otherwise.
I love you, Michelle. I would fly to Canada and give you a big hug if I weren’t strapped for cash and multiphobic.
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LOL, thanks all for the comments. I’m fine, really. I just wanted to be really honest since I see so much of this on TV right now. I’m not wallowing in my misery, seriously.
Life is good. I just need to remind myself of that every now and then!
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As a high school teacher, I am very strict about the bullying that occurs in our school. We have very tight guidelines and our own state governor signed a bill stating all students go through mandatory bullying seminars at the beginning of each school year. We do not take it lightly. However, a few weeks ago, a freshman in one of our high schools hanged herself due to bullying.
I was never bullied and I never bullied anyone in school, but I protected those who were being harrassed.
I agree – not matter how old you are, the scars are still there, but I’m glad you are not allowing them to define you anymore. Your blog is going to heal others and you will probably never know it.
Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing!
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My best friend killed herself from long term of depression. She was bullied online chat websites. To me, facebook and other chat websites should be banned
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How well I know that hurtful words can have a lifelong impact. Kindergarten all the way through my first semester of university; that’s a long time to be bullied. And, like you, it wasn’t physical, it was mental and emotional.
I applaud you for standing up and telling your story. Thank you. Every story told makes it that much harder an issue to ignore.